Vegas DA Pleads “Not That Drunk” After Faceplanting Back Into Driver’s Seat

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Do you know that sometimes, even if you are a deputy district prosecutor, you can be doing a perfectly safe speed of 73 MPH while driving through a 35 zone and the police suddenly pull you over without any good reason?

Yeah, me either.

Las Vegas Deputy D.A. experienced exactly that. Kayla Farzaneh Simmons was in Spring Valley, a few miles from the Strip, last week. According to multiple reports, a Vegas Metro Police DUI Unit observed Farzaneh Simmons driving her Kia SUV at a “high rate of speed” on Sunset. You would think a deputy DA knows how easy these are to steal.

Yes, going interstate speed past a strip mall is fast. After he pulled Farzaneh Simmons over, his training kicked into gear and he immediately noted her “watery eyes and slightly bloodshot” and “slightly blurred speech.” The report said that the Kia also reeked of booze. I can only imagine that it was more than the car, and would have required no training to detect.

Farzaneh Simmons claimed that she had “nothing at all” drunk, but appeared to “almost fall” and needed help getting into her vehicle (!!!) After refusing to take a field sobriety check.

I asked my bartender last night to make me a Farzaneh Simmons. He filled a goldfish dish with Montezuma Silver Tequila and Baja Bob’s sugar-free Margarita Mix in equal parts. He then added a handful of ice and my car’s key.

She assured the officer that she was not drunk.

The Daily Mail described Farzaneh Simmons as “glamorous”, because it’s the word they use to describe someone drunk, almost kills people, and has great hair.

In all the articles I read about Farzaneh Simmons’ arrest, none of them mentioned the reaction of her three passengers when they saw their driver stumble from the car after driving 73 miles past an In-and-Out Burger. I’d guess that they wanted fries and milkshakes.

This otherwise ridiculous column is not just about laughing at other people’s misfortune.

We hold all officers of the law, whether they are police carrying guns and having the authority to use deadly violence when necessary, or district attorneys with the power to ruin a person’s life by filing charges, innocent or guilty, to a high standard.

We have to. We’re expected to. We often do our best, but it’s not enough.

Farzaneh Simmons had her blood test the night before her arrest. Judging by her behavior, and the subsequent arrest of two misdemeanors, it is safe to assume that her blood alcohol level was in the same range as her speeding, which is double the legal limit.

Last week, a Clark County spokesperson confirmed to Fox 5 Vegas News that the county still employs Farzaneh Simmons “. Will she still be employed by the county if she is convicted or pleads to her two misdemeanors? Will she be subject to at least some sort of disciplinary action?

If I were being prosecuted in Clark County by a deputy district attorney, or worse yet, if I had been the victim of an offense there, I would want to be sure that the prosecutor has enough respect for the law to do the job correctly.

Does anyone in Las Vegas still have a clue about this? We’re going to find out.